Write and Wrong Public House Cocktail Menu
Tequila Mockingbird
2 oz blanco tequila
4 ounces sweet tea
1/4 ounce simple syrup
Garnish with a blackberry
Serve righteously
The Grape Gatsby
2 oz cognac or Armagnac
1 oz grape liqueur
0.75 oz lemon juice
Garnish with a lemon twist and a frozen green grape
Serve in an egg-shaped glass
In Search of Lost Thyme
10 oz gin
5 oz lemon juice
5 oz simple syrup
30 oz Champagne
Garnish with a lemon and a dozen sprigs of thyme
Serve in seven glasses
Infinite Zest
2 oz Grey Goose vodka
3 oz fresh squeezed lemonade
1/2 oz. raspberry liqueur
A twist of lemon zest, orange zest, lime zest, grapefruit zest, kumquat zest, pomelo zest, citron zest, mandarin orange zest, clementine zest, Meyer lemon zest, and blood orange zest
Crushed ice
Garnish with a frozen honeydew melon ball
Serve with endnotes
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Alcoholic
2 oz rye whiskey
2 oz bourbon whiskey
2 oz scotch whiskey
1 oz sweet vermouth
2 dashes Angostura bitters
1 dash orange bitters
Garnish with a lemon twist
Serve slammed down onto the table
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Guinness
2 oz Irish whiskey
1 oz condensed milk
2 oz Guinness
Garnish with grated nutmeg
Serve with a meta-narrative
The Rye Who Came in From the Cold
2 oz rye whiskey
2.5 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
1.5 oz coffee liqueur
A dash of heavy cream
Ice cubes
Serve deceptively
Finnegans Shake
riverrunn, past the bar and trumble, from glasses of masky man brunk us one sake with a bindy bandy and a lindy bandy, side the scraglly cag, cold and cod, nor a topsway to a frite and this to that parhops a flow and lark a tag
Garnish with a cabber laf cort than as that sting
Serve in a stim ol stam ol steam ol stog
War and Peach
2 oz vodka
1 oz cognac
4 oz Lemonade
1 oz Simple Syrup
Garnish with a sliced peach
Serve philosophically
The Catcher in the Rye
3 oz rye whisky
½ teaspoon of cold water
3 dashes imitation Peychaud’s bitters
2 dashes imitation Angostura bitters
1 cube of Splenda (or another sugar substitute)
Imitation Absinthe to rinse
Garnish with a plastic lemon peel
Serve self-righteously
The Adventures of Huckleberry Gin
2 oz gin
0.5 oz triple sec
1 oz huckleberry simple syrup
1 oz lemon juice
3 oz club soda
Ice cubes
Garnish with frozen huckleberries
Serve with cunning
Fahrenheit-151
2 oz Bacardi 151
1 oz coconut rum
3 oz pineapple juice
Ice cubes
Garnish with a lit match
Serve without books
Tart of Darkness
1 oz dark rum
1 oz palm-wine
3 oz Cream de Cassis
½ teaspoon Activated Charcoal
1 oz blackberry juice
1 oz lemon juice
Garnish with two black cherries
Serve in an imitation-ivory glass
The Old Man and the Seagrams
2 oz Seagrams gin
2 oz Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice
1 oz Lemon Juice
Ice Cubes
Garnish with fresh cranberries and mint leaves
Serve stoically
Uncle Tom’s Cabernet Sauvignon
8 oz of Cabernet Sauvignon, chilled
1 oz peach juice
1 oz apple juice
3 tablespoons cane sugar
2 oz orange liqueur
Garnish with lemon slices
Serve with abolition
The Wonderful Wizard of 40 oz
4 oz malt liquor
2 oz orange juice
2 oz ginger ale
Garnish with a maraschino cherry
Serve with courage, heart, and intelligence
The Grapes of Wrath
4 oz grappa
1 oz grape juice
1 oz white grape juice
1 oz grapefruit juice
1 oz simple syrup
Garnish with a dusting of brown sugar
Serve sparingly
The Rum Also Rises
1 oz dark rum
1 oz light rum
4 oz Red Bull
Garnish with a sprig of oregano and a lemon slice
Serve inscrutable
EspeFranzia Rising
2 oz Franzia boxed wine
1 oz blanco tequila
1 oz lime juice
0.5 oz simple syrup
Garnish with a lime wedge
Serve youthfully
Sing, Unberried, Sing
Infuse vodka with strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and blackberries for 24 hours
Strain berries from vodka
mix 2 oz of infused vodka with 6 oz soda water
Garnish with a lime slice
Serve with lots of ice
Barley & Me
2 oz Barleywine
1 oz Scotch Whisky
7 oz light beer
Garnish with a stalk of barley
Serve carefully
All the King’s Mezcal
1 oz Espadín mezcal
1 oz Tobalá mezcal
1 oz Tobaziche mezcal
1 oz Tepeztate mezcal
1 oz Arroqueño mezcal
1 oz agave nectar
1 oz lime juice
9 oz ginger ale
Garnish with a lime wedge
Serve extremely carefully
The Picture of Dorian Grey Goose
1.5 oz Grey Goose Vodka
2 oz sparkling white wine
1 oz elderflower liqueur
1 oz fresh lemon juice
Garnish with a mint sprig and an orange slice
Serve from a fountain of youth
One Flew Over the Soju’s Nest
4 oz green grape soju
3 oz plain yogurt drink
3 oz lemon-lime soda
Garnish with a slice of lemon
Serve in a plastic tube, go-gurt style
Crime and PunishMint
2 oz vodka
8 mint leaves
0.5 ounce simple syrup
Two hits of Angostura bitters
Garnish with a frozen mint sprig
Serve with anguish
One Hundred Beers of Solitude
100 BBC Bogotá Candelaria clásicas
Serve in buckets of ice
Beers are free if all beers are finished and no one in the group speaks to one another during consumption
Gone With the Zinfandel
3 oz Zinfandel
1 oz dry gin
1 oz grapefruit juice
1 oz club soda
Garnish with a sprig of thyme and a grapefruit slice
Serve questionably
Beer and Loathing in Las Vegas
12 oz light Mexican beer
2 oz lime juice
0.5 oz mexican hot sauce
2 dashes Worcestershire sauce
Coat rim in crushed Percocets
Garnish with a lime wedge
Serve high
Goodnight Moonshine
2 oz moonshine
6 oz Chamomile tea
Garnish with a melatonin gummy
Serve with a warm chocolate chip cookie
Their Eyes Were Watching Vodka
2 oz vodka
1 oz Aperol
2 oz grapefruit juice
1 oz simple syrup
Garnish with an orange slice
Serve liberated
Waiting for Merlot
5 oz Merlot wine
Garnish with an apple slice
Do not bring to patron. When asked about the status of the drink, tell them: “I’ll go get that right now.” Don’t.
Molasses Shrugged
2 oz dark rum
1 oz molasses
2 oz ginger ale
2 shakes of cinnamon
Garnish with a cinnamon stick
Bring ingredients to the patron and let them make the drink their own damn self
Go Tell It on the Mountain Dew
2 oz gin
1 oz Mountain Dew Code Red
1/2 teaspoon Maraschino liqueur
2 Pineapple chunks
Garnish with Mountain Dew candy
Serve ironically
James and the Giant Peach Soju
64 oz peach soju
8 oz peach schnapps
8 oz ginger ale
4 oz cardamom simple syrup
4 shakes of ground cinnamon
2 shakes of ground nutmeg
Garnish with a whole, unsliced peach
Serve in a fishbowl with 8 straws
A Confederacy of Punches
1 oz light rum
1 oz dark rum
0.5 oz grenadine
4 oz punch mix:
–Punch mix 1: ½ orange juice, ½ pineapple juice
–Punch mix 2: ¾ grapefruit juice, ¼ lime juice
–Punch mix 3: ½ cranberry juice, ½ strawberry lemonade
Garnish with slices of orange, lime, and lemon (respectively)
Coat the glass rim with Kool-aid powder
Serve three at a time with each of the different punch mixes
All the Light Beer We Cannot See
2 oz Miller Lite
2 oz Heineken Light
2 oz Michelob Light
2 oz Coors Light
2 oz Bud Light
2 oz Keystone Light
2 oz Natural Light
2 oz Busch Light
2 oz Corona Light
2 oz Sapporo Light
2 oz Amstel Light
2 oz Bud Light Lime
Garnish with two shakes of Tajin
Serve in an opaque glass with a lid
Slam Zuckert is a municipal bureaucrat emeritus. He sees a lot of movies and reads a lot of books and sometimes writes about them. His favorite movie is There Will Be Blood, his favorite mathematician is Georg Cantor, and his least favorite mathematician is Leopold Kronecker.
Keep it Going Louder 