With the COVID-19 Pandemic bringing all athletic competition as a standstill it’s important that we create as many useless competitions to keep us all sane. Today, I am doing my part by assessing the historical rankings of US Presidents by their nicknames.
I’m sourcing all of the nicknames from the excellent “List of nicknames of presidents of the United States” Wikipedia article and I’m going to take out all the citations and references for ease of reading so if you really want to see those sweet sweet sources then go ahead and navigate over there. All names considered, all rankings arbitrary, all rights reserved, let’s get started.
#44) Rutherford B. Hayes
“Rutherfraud”, “His Fraudulency”
Tough break there Rutherford. The only nicknames on file for the guy are related to his dubious victory in the 1876 Election and the resulting vitriol from Southern Democrats. By keeping his pledge to only serve one term he deprived himself of valuable years to gain a better nickname so in a way he brought this on himself. Historians may generally think of him as an average president but in terms of nicknames Hayes is at the absolute bottom of the barrel.
#43) Benjamin Harrison
“The Front Porch Campaigner”, “The Human Iceberg”, “Little Ben”
Benny Harrison has some nice little fun facts about his presidency like being part of the only Grandfather-Grandson president duo (with William Henry Harrison) and being the only president to have be preceded and succeeded in office by the same man (‘ol Skip-a-Term Cleveland) but none of those translated to nicknames for him. Instead he got “The Front Porch Campaigner” from the scores of speeches he gave from the front porch of his Indianapolis home during the 1888 election, an awfully clunky and maybe-derisive nickname. “The Human Iceberg” was given to him for his cold demeanor when socializing which is kind of cool but icebergs are known for pretty much only one thing and that’s sinking ships so unless he was a submarine captain it doesn’t seem too kind. And lastly, he was christened “Little Ben” because he was 5’ 6’’ which is not ideal. None of them are particularly positive or cool and so here we are.
#42) Warren G. Harding
“Wobbly Warren”
Likely a reference to his unstable/nonexistent leadership (not any affiliation with the Industrial Workers of the World which could have been a saving grace here), Harding was a shit president with a shit nickname. Thank you, next.
#41) Millard Fillmore
“The American Louis Philippe”
Is Louis Philippe someone you want to be compared to? His resume includes being the last King of France (The July Monarchy, 1830 to 1848), sponsoring France’s colonial conquest of Algeria, and promoting policies that enriched industrialists and bankers. So that would be a no, no you do not. Fillmore got the nickname for his lavish tastes so that name probably wasn’t too kindly to start and it has not gotten any better with time.
#40) James Buchanan
“Old Public Functionary”, “Old Buck”, “Bachelor President”, “Ten-Cent Jimmy”
I’m sure it didn’t have the same connotation at the time but “Ten-Cent Jimmy” sounds like an insult comparing someone to a cheap or perhaps used condom which is not a great start. “Old Public Functionary” comes from his 1859 State of the Union address but sounds like a character in an IRS fairy tale, maybe if shortened to OPF it could work (you down with OPF?) but even that isn’t that strong. “Bachelor President” is probably the kindest possible nickname we could hope for regarding his marital status considering the common speculation about his sexuality and close relationship with William Rufus King, but still a weak nickname. “Old Buck” is actually pretty good but unfortunately Buchanan is weighed down by his other nicknames and finds himself low on the list.
#39) James Madison
“Little Jemmy”, “His Little Majesty”, “Father of the Constitution”
Again, the “Little” thing is never the way to go. “His Little Majesty” sounds like what someone would call a spoiled child and “Little Jemmy” sounds like one of the neighborhood kids who gets tricked by Tom Sawyer into painting a fence for him. “Father of the Constitution” is cool as a fact and not bad as a nickname but Madison gets dragged down by being 5’4’’ and the mocking that accompanies it. Feels like this list is not going to be kind to short presidents.
#38) William McKinley
“The Napoleon of Protection”
What is with these French references? McKinley got the nickname after the high tariffs he enacted in 1890 but I’m not convinced this name actually even makes sense. Is it saying he went about it in an emperor-like manner? Is it about falling in and out of favor/power? Is it another short joke? McKinley was 5’7’’ which is pretty short for a president but from 1917 until 2015 the tallest mountain in North America was named after him so who really got the last laugh? Probably not McKinley since the mountain’s name was changed back to Denali, the name given to it by the indigenous Koyukon people…so I guess the Koyukon people get the last laugh? The Napoleons of Indigenous Alaskans!
#37) Barack Obama
“No Drama Obama”
In Obama’s effort to stay as controversy-free as possible he also avoided collecting any cool nicknames related to his presidency. I suspect many people were a bit hesitant to go for any derisive nicknames because of the whole first-black-president-thing. No one wants to be the one who goes down in the history books as coining a nickname that turns out to be even slightly racially charged, no one outside of the conservative talk radio world at least. “No Drama Obama” is very weak and no one ever uses it in regular conversation but at least it’s positive.
#36) George H.W. Bush
“41”, “Papa Bush”, “Bush 41”, “Bush Senior”, “Senior”, “Poppy”
From my very limited research it seems that H.W. Bush was the first president to be strongly associated with what number president he was after his son who he had strategically given the same name became president. All his nicknames are pretty neutral but at least they’re not too long or unwieldy and might as well give him some credit for starting the whole number thing.
#35) John Fitzgerald Kennedy
“Jack”, “JFK”
Like Harrison, Kennedy likely didn’t have enough time as president to collect any cool nicknames and most people probably didn’t want to bother with nicknames after the whole assassination thing so he’s stuck with all name-based stuff. “Jack” is about the more normal nickname in the world so no points there but as far as three-letter names go “JFK” is pretty solid. It’s got hard sounds to start and end with a soft sound in the middle which gives it a nice rhythmic sense but the lack of creativity is really hurting him here.
#34) James E. Carter
“Jimmy”, “The Peanut Farmer”
Jimmy was a simple man who farmed peanuts, became president, was screwed by economic forces, and then got molly-wopped by Reagan and his demonry in the 1980 election. The first president to use a nickname in his official capacity, we would give him bonus points for that but Jimmy isn’t too exciting. “The Peanut Farmer” doesn’t quite roll off the tongue but it conjures a kindly image of the down-home man of the people so that’s kinda nice at least.
#33) John Tyler
“His Accidency”
Elected from the Whig Party as William Henry Harrison’s Vice President Tyler got his nickname from the fellow Whigs that were none too excited to see him take over for Harrison after he died a month into his term. He was the first VP to ascend to the presidency (hence the nickname) and was often at odds with his party, in fact when he took over most of Harrison’s cabinet resigned and the Whigs kicked him out of the party. Not the best start to a presidency.
Although it seems that the nickname was given mockingly I think it isn’t half bad, it’s not Tyler’s fault that the VP position was considered nothing more than an electoral ploy (still is!). After his accidental presidency Tyler had no shot at the Whig nomination so he took his ball and went home to Virginia where his saucy Whig neighbors mocked him by appointing him to the minor office of overseer of roads. Much to their chagrin the former President of the United States took the overseer of roads job very seriously to the point where his neighbors asked him to please stop. He refused and oversaw the shit out of those roads…take that you Whig bastards. He spent his final years on his plantation (yikes) where he (yes) owned slaves (god dammit Tyler) and then (come on) served on the Virginia Secession Convention (it gets worse), voted for secession (not the end), and was elected to the Confederate House of Representatives but died of a stroke before he could be seated. In fact, because of his allegiance to the Confederacy he is the only US president to not have their death officially recognized in Washington DC. So in conclusion: Pretty bad president, very bad human, decent producer of presidential fun facts and trivia, okay nickname.
#32) Harry Truman
“Give ‘Em Hell Harry”
Drawn from his rowdy campaign style and his love for poker and bourbon, Truman may be one of the most low-key bad boy presidents we’ve ever had. Apparently he would sometimes even (looks left looks right) curse in public…a complete rascal! “Give ‘Em Hell Harry” isn’t the smoothest nickname but I do like how it has a catchphrase built in and could fit in during pre-game introductions for a basketball game, the lights dropping low as the announcer booms out, “A 5′ 8″ point guard from Lamar, Missouri…Give ‘Em Hell Haaaaaaaaaarry Truuuuuuuuuman!!!”
#31) Donald J. Trump
“The Donald”, “45”, “Conspiracy Theorist-in-Chief”
Although Trump is an atrocious president and an abhorrent human being, I think “The Donald” is a serviceable nickname. “Conspiracy Theorist-in-Chief” isn’t really in wide use and “45” is just the number in the mold of Bush1 and Bush2 so we can just skip past those, and I know that “The Donald” is just his first name with a “the” in front of it, but the “the” in front gives in incredibly smarmy and conceited vibe to his name that is very fitting (see: The Ohio State University).
#30) George W. Bush
“43”, “Bush Jr.”, “Junior”, “Bush 43”, “Dubya”
Another bad president with an okay nickname. I’ll skip past the numerical stuff again and the father-son low hanging fruit and go straight to “Dubya”. Like “The Donald”, “Dubya” does a great job encapsulating the person while being unique, distinguishing, and simple. As the second George Bush to be president in the same era his middle initial was paramount and giving it the Texas drawl perfectly reflected the simultaneous contempt he got from coastal urbanites and support from rural and suburban white communities.
#29) Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Ike”
There’s some elegance to the simplicity of “Ike”. Sure it’s not particularly creative or related to anything other than his first name but in conjunction with the “We Like Ike” campaign slogan I think it really blossoms into a nice little nickname. I can just imagine Ike in a mask and cape launching himself into the wrestling ring and suplexing an unwitting opponent then putting his hand to his ear and leaning into the crowd as they chant, “WE LIKE IKE! WE LIKE IKE!” Not top tier by any means but nothing to sneeze at either.
#28) William Henry Harrison
“General Mum”, “Old Tippecanoe”, “Washington of the West”
Tippecanoe (and Tyler too!) is iconic as far as campaign songs go but the nickname itself isn’t that strong. Neither is “General Mum” which he got for always “keeping it mum” on the campaign trail about controversial issues. “Washington of the West” is another reference to military prowess but I’m over “X of the Y” nicknames unless they’re really sweet (see: Thomas Jefferson) so who cares.
#27) Franklin Pierce
“Young Hickory of the Granite Hills”, “Handsome Frank”
Not a great sign when you have to add an additional geographic specificity to your nickname that’s based on someone else’s nickname. Third in the Hickory chain after Jackson and Polk, “Young Hickory of the Granite Hills” isn’t particularly clean or original so no points for that one but “Handsome Frank” is a gem and sounds like an early-1900s boxer with suspenders and one of those heavily waxed mustaches. But even a cool nickname couldn’t help Handsome Frank and he got KO’d by the office where historians rank him as one of our worst presidents.
#26) Ulysses S. Grant
“Unconditional Surrender Grant”
History is not kind to many presidents. Take Woodrow Wilson for example; he was renowned for his intellect, scholarly governing style, and leadership during WWI and that was enough for most to label him a Great Man and a Great President for a good, long while. Then people started to look back and turns out he was a raging racist. Good president? Maybe still. Great Man? Very hard to see how. Grant ended up quite the opposite. For a while he was thought of as a drunken fool who was in over his head and erred in being too harsh with the South. Well, turns out he wasn’t really a drunk, definitely wasn’t a fool, and was way ahead of his time on being harsh with racists. Kudos to you Grant! His nickname was taken from how ruthless he was with the Confederacy and our country would probably have been a better place if we had more leaders like him at that time. As much as I like the guy it’s kind of clunky for a nickname so yeah, he gets style points for sure and it’s nice how it matches with his initials (fun fact, his birth name was Hiram Ulysses Grant but he went by Ulysses and when he enrolled at West Point his sponsor Rep. Hamer put his name down as U.S. Grant and the name just kind of stuck) but all in all a little weak for a man of such budding stature.
#25) James Knox Polk
“Napoleon of the Stump”, “Young Hickory”
Polk joins McKinley as the “Napoleon of X” boys but at least Polk got “the Stump” which is better than protectionary tariffs. Not much better, but better. His second name is a reference to someone else as well, Young Hickory to his mentor Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson, and this time he only looks good by comparison because at least he got to the Young Hickory name first and didn’t have to be Young Hickory of Some Geographic Reference like that sap Franklin Pierce. Polk gets a boost from having the stronger nicknames of two odd pairings; people forget about Polk who historians rank as a sneaky good president, maybe he should have gotten some better nicknames.
#24) Richard Nixon
“Tricky Dick”
A sheisty nickname for a sheisty man, maybe not the nickname he’d want but it’s the nickname he deserves. It’s especially great since it continues to age worse and worse as Dick becomes much less common as a used name and only refers to penises and jerks.
#23) Gerald Ford
“Jerry”, “Mr. Nice Guy”
“Jerry” is Jerry so we don’t have to get into that but I’m relatively high on “Mr. Nice Guy” as a nickname. I think it lends itself to some solid catchphrases for when he’s being kind and jolly and also when he has to turn on the hard-ass jets because then he can just look directly into a news camera and say “No more Mr. Nice Guy” before taking the Speaker of the House by the lapel and ramming them up against the Oval Office wall. We missed out on giving Ford a nickname based on the fact that he is the only person to serve as President without being elected either President or Vice President (and to think we were only one small case of criminal conspiracy, bribery, extortion and tax fraud away from having a Spiro Agnew presidency) but it’s never too late! “His Accidency” would be really fitting since he went from House Minority Leader to Vice President to President in 8 months but it’s already taken by that bastard John Tyler, maybe “The Elevator” or “Spaceship Ford” for his quick rise to the top? I’ll do some more thinking on that, Ford family I’ll be in touch.
#22) Herbert Hoover
“The Great Engineer”, “The Great Humanitarian”, “The Chief”
Hoover’s nicknames have some pretty admirable actions behind them, he got “The Great Engineer” after his flood control work in Mississippi after the Great Flood of 1927 and “The Great Humanitarian” from his work to alleviate hunger in Russia with the American Relief Administration. But he would give everyone the chance to use that second one sarcastically after he botched the response to the 1929 stock market crash and that whole Great Depression thing. “The Chief” comes from his time surveying in the Australian Outback which is also pretty rad but unfortunately the cool ones aren’t that smooth and the smooth one isn’t that original. Everyone on this list is “The Chief”, that’s the whole point Hoover. Bonus points for being a good administrator I guess, would have been pretty chill if he took some of those American Relief Administration skills and used them to alleviate the Depression.
#21) Zachary Taylor
“Old Rough and Ready”
Sounds like a mascot for a condom brand but I dig it. Much better than James “Ten-cent Jimmy” Buchanan.
#20) William Howard Taft
“Big Chief”, “Big Lub”
Taft takes the cake for nicknames that would meld seamlessly into an early 2000s rap clique, both Big Chief and Big Lub call to mind a monstrous rapper with a deep, nasally flow that can double-time as well as he can yelp hooks. Team him up with Cool Cal and that mixtape would be fire. Also, fun fact, Taft was the last president with regular facial hair (for more information see the surprisingly comprehensive “List of presidents of the United States with facial hair” Wikipedia article).
#19) Andrew Johnson
“The Tennessee Tailor”
I do love a good alliteration. Johnson may have been an all-time stinker of a president and a raging racist but he seems to have been a capable tailor and bought Alaska from Russia so that’s nice. He also was the only president to serve without a Vice President which is crazy because he was impeached by the House and was one vote in the Senate away from being removed from office so the US was one vote away from elevating President pro tempore of the U.S. Senate Benjamin Wade to president (that was the order of the presidential line of succession at the time) which is too bad we didn’t because B Wade seems like a great guy. He supported women’s suffrage, trade union rights, and equal civil rights for African-Americans which made him one of the most radical senators of the era. Big ups Wade, a man ahead of his time.
#18) James A. Garfield
“Boatman Jim”, “Preacher President”
The only president to be named after a cartoon cat has an uneven pair of nicknames, “Preacher President” is kind of lame and sounds like he’s going to give us a boring lecture but “Boatman Jim” is awesome and I love it. He got the name as a nod to the Ohio canals he worked in when he was young and I have no clue how much it was actually used (a man can only do so much “real” research) but it sounds like an old-timey tough guy who is the most fun person at the bar. I would love to be friends with Boatman Jim and I look forward to our next fishing trip together.
#17) Franklin Delano Roosevelt
“FDR”, “That Man in the White House”, “Sphinx”
For a president of such stature and prestige FDR has some pretty tame nicknames. There are the initials which are kind of the opposite of JFK’s; “FDR” has soft letters on the outside and a hard letter in the middle which gives a kind of rise and fall to the name that is passable but not great. “That Man in the White House” is comically generic and also not really noteworthy, luckily he has in “Sphinx” a saving grace. He got the name from a satirical paper-mâché sculpture of him in Sphinx form that was made to poke fun at his refusal to say whether he would run for a third term, unprecedented in US history (spoiler alert: he did). While it never became widespread I think it’s pretty sweet and gives him a solid boost in the rankings.
#16) James Monroe
“The Era of Good Feelings President”, “The Last Cocked Hat”
I don’t know if there’s a clunkier nickname in this whole list than “The Era of Good Feelings President” which combines the most boring possible nickname format with the most bland era name. Lucky for Monroe he has a gem in “The Last Cocked Hat” given to him for being the last president to regularly rock a tricorne hat. It’s a precarious nickname because there’s always the possibility that down the line another president will bring the tricorne back and if that happens Monroe will drop hard in the rankings, but until then I hope Mr. Good-Feelings-Cocked-Hat will enjoy his high stature.
#15) Chester A. Arthur
“Chet”, “Gentleman Boss”, “Prince Arthur”, “The Dude President”
As a one-term replacement for a president who died in office, our first Lax Bro president surprised the nation by being generally competent and not corrupt. His reputation for dapper dress and fancy taste got him most of his nicknames and they would be perfect if he was running for president of the La Jolla Surf Club, but also pretty solid for a president because why not. Get out your frisbees and hacky sacks and for god’s sake don’t mess with the Oval Office rug, The Dude Present is presiding.
#14) Stephen Grover Cleveland
“His Obstinacy”, “Uncle Jumbo”, “Grover the Good”
Our second most walrus-looking president went by his middle name which is already a good start for nickname rankings but his others were pretty solid too. His honesty and integrity got him the name “Grover the Good” which is kind of delightful in its simplicity and gotta love the alliteration. I don’t have any sources on “Uncle Jumbo” but I’m just going to assume it was because he was a big fat guy. “His Obstinacy” I really like because even though it’s kind of mocking, it also carries a shade of admiration; he got the name because as the 22nd president he vetoed more bills than the first 21 presidents combined and I think some people admired how he stuck to his guns even if they were the wrong guns. The biggest untapped source of nicknames is definitely his place as the only non-consecutive president, he served as the 22nd and 24th president with a cool four years of Ben “The Human Iceberg” Harrison in the middle. Some people who fall in the middle of the Venn diagram of History Nerd & Sports Nerds (including yours truly) have begun referring to sports teams that have a gap between championships as “Cleveland Champions” or “Cleveland Dynasties” which I get a huge kick out of. Maybe we should try out “Stevie Skip-a-Term” and see if that catches on.
#13) Calvin Coolidge
“Cautious Cal”, “Cool Cal”, “Silent Cal”
Coolidge’s cool demeanor and reserved personality got him some not-all-the-way-positive nicknames like “Caution Cal” and “Silent Cal” (there’s a bunch of great Silent Cal stories which you can read in full in the Silent Cal section of his Wikipedia page but I can’t resist popping a few in here: Coolidge would attend many DC high society dinners even though it appeared as if he had no interest in socializing. When asked why he would attend the dinner parties he would say, “Got to eat somewhere.” Also, when notable New York wit and wisecracker Dorothy Parker heard Coolidge had died she allegedly said, “How can they tell?” Zing!) but his campaign-based nickname “Cool Cal” has aged nicely and would make for a good rap supergroup with Kool Keith, himself no stranger to nicknames (Dr. Octagon, Dr. Dooom, Black Elvis, Dr. Ultra, Crazy Lou, Poppa Large, Keith Korg, Dicky Long Docking, Platinum Rich, Underwear Pissy, Number One Producer to name a few). Plus the “Cool” is the start of his last name! Going from Cal- Cool- to Cool Cal is a classic put my thing down flip it and reverse it situation and that kind of wordplay holds up great in our era of hip hop and internet memes. Someone get Cal a producer STAT.
#12) George Washington
“The American Cincinnatus”, “The American Fabius”, “The Father of His Country”
Washington’s strength is that he’s Mr. America but the best collection of nicknames have some diversity to them and so Washington’s biggest strengths could also be his biggest weakness. “Father of His Country” is poignant but kind of clunky and I’m willing to wager that people studied Roman history a bit more back then since Cincinnatus and Fabius would be pretty obscure in today’s go-go modern world. The names are cool nonetheless, I’m kinda surprised there’s no cherry tree reference but maybe that wouldn’t translate well to a nickname that wasn’t a bit demeaning.
#11) John Quincy Adams
“Old Man Eloquent”, “The Abolitionist”
Now these are some dignified nicknames right here. “Old Man Eloquent” sounds like a fairy tale character that has been the cornerstone of a village for 500 years, replenishing his health with the vitality of his own words. And nothing puts you on the right side of history quite like being on the right side of the 1800s slavery debate, you don’t need to know much about the guy besides his nicknames to know that JQA was fighting the good fight.
#10) Theodore Roosevelt
“The Hero of San Juan Hill”, “The Lion”, “Teddy”, “TR”, “The Trust Buster”
Roosevelt hated being called “Teddy” so it’s a tough break that it’s the only thing anyone calls him these days. Sorry about that Theo. “The Hero of San Juan Hill” is a good not great version of the “X of the X” formula but at least it’s got some story behind it and not just some random newsman’s pithy observation. “The Trust Buster” is where we really get into the good stuff, solid backstory (fight tho corporations, man!) and excellent internal rhyming. It’s smooth and admirable and has all sorts of other rhymes you can add in if need be. For example, if Roosevelt was talking about his attraction to bread we could say “Trust Buster discussed crust lust!” or if a strong breeze knocked off his hat and left him confused we could say “Gust thrust leaves Trust Buster nonplussed!”
#9) Ronald Wilson Reagan
“Dutch”, “The Great Communicator”, “The Gipper”, “The Teflon President”
Despite his love of income inequality and his disdain for civil rights, Reagan has some pretty sweet nicknames. He has “Dutch” which was given to him by his father who said he looked like a fat little Dutchman when he was young, “The Great Communicator” which is solid for a “The Great X” nickname and unfortunately accurate, the also emotionally accurate “The Teflon President” since nothing negative stuck to him (See: Iran-Contra, his response to the AIDS epidemic…), and “The Gipper” from a film role where he played football coach George Gipp. He’s got the stately formulaic ones, the derisive ones, and the short and sweet childhood ones; Reagan has a robust collection of nicknames that much to my chagrin are better than most.
#8) Thomas Jefferson
“The Apostle of Democracy”, “The Man of the People”, “The Sage of Monticello”
TJ is all in on the “X of Y” nickname formula which I’m usually not a big fan of, but you know what, he pulls it off. “The Man of the People” is pretty generic (and should probably be reworked to “The Man of the (White) People” all things considered) but “The Apostle of Democracy” is one of the most delightfully bombastic ones I’ve come across and “The Sage of Monticello” is restrained yet picturesque. King of the “X of Y”, out of all the old-timey nicknames Jefferson definitely has some of the best.
#7) John Adams
“The Colossus of Independence”, “Old Sink or Swim”, “His Rotundity”
We’ve seen some good “X of Y” names but none of them are quite as powerful as “The Colossus of Independence”. It brings to mind a 30-foot tall man who is storming across the countryside to bring the Declaration of Independence to the people. Might be a sly nod at his girth as well since that’s how he got the delightful “His Rotundity” nickname. That’s a very cool, old-timey dig and into it. “Old Sink or Swim” came from a speech where he promised “to sink or swim; to live or die; survive or perish with my country” which is a nice sentiment and I think is pretty funny out of context because it makes it seem like someone has thrown him off a boat.
#6) Woodrow Wilson
“The Phrasemaker”, “The Schoolmaster”
Cool Cal and Big Lub might have a lock on the mixtape game but no one is going to best The Schoolmaster aka The Phrasemaker aka Woody Will aka Dub Dub aka The Resegregator in a rap battle. Given to him for his academic manner and stint as president of Princeton University the names were just made to be turned into brutal bars about schooling people and making rhymes rain down on them with rapturous radicalism. Wilson may find himself in the category of presidents with extremely bad ideas about race but his nicknames can’t be denied.
#5) Lyndon Baines Johnson
“Bullshit Johnson”, “Landslide Lyndon”, “Light-Bulb Lyndon”, “LBJ”
Now we’re getting to the heavy hitters. “Bullshit Johnson” or “Bull Johnson” for short was concocted as an insult by his collegiate classmates because he was a compulsive liar, the compulsive lying part is not the best baggage to carry but I love it as a nickname. Too bad that sack of shit bigot Bull Connor is one of the most famous people named Bull or else I might try to goad my future children into lying about something so I could bestow that nickname onto them.
I’m a sucker for alliterative nicknames so I’m high on the next two as well. “Landslide Lyndon” he got ironically after “winning” the Democratic primary for 1948 Texas Senate election by 87 votes (the election was riddled with widespread election fraud and with the help of friendly political machines Johnson essentially stole the nomination) but the name became much more appropriate after the 1964 presidential election where Johnson won 44 states and 61% of the popular vote, the highest popular vote percent a candidate got in an election since James Monroe ran against no one in 1820.
After growing up with no electricity in rural Texas, Johnson hated wasting electricity to the point that he was known to stomp around the White House turning off lights while in office. This got him the jocular “Light-Bulb Lyndon” which kind of sounds like he has a lot of bright ideas, but no, it’s actual light bulbs. And then of course LBJ, a pretty good combination of letters for initials, the ‘L’ dropping low then the ‘B’ bouncing back up before ending with a smooth ‘J’. Too bad his stellar collection of nicknames couldn’t keep us out of Vietnam.
#4) Andrew Jackson
“The Hero of New Orleans”, “Old Hickory”, “King Mob”, “King Andrew”, “Jackass”
Known as a fighter for the common man (as long as the common man was white), Jackson gathered some pretty sweet nicknames during his time in military service and office. During the War of 1812 he got the nicknames “The Hero of New Orleans”, which isn’t bad for an “X of Y” nickname since it refers to an actual incident, and the iconic “Old Hickory” because of how gosh darn tough he troops found him to be. After his first inauguration he leaned all the way in to his man-of-the-people reputation and invited the public to the White House for an inauguration party, where his supporters threw a banger that would put most frat parties to shame. Damage was caused to fixtures and furniture and allegedly after Jackson snuck out the back the White House staff had to move the booze outside to get everyone to leave. Hence, “King Mob” which out of all the things to be king of works pretty great for a nickname. The other great public event of Jackson’s presidency was when he was given a 1,400-pound cheese wheel as a gift and allowed the public into the East Room to eat the cheese. Being 1,400 pounds of cheese (an 8oz block of cheese is about 8”x3”x1” so 1,400 lbs so assuming double the density to be conservative that’s at least 19.4 cubic feet of cheese…that’s a lot of nachos!), it took quite a few days and apparently the East Room smelled rank for a significant amount of time after it was all gone. He’s probably lucky he didn’t collect a nickname from that anecdote.
“Jackass” itself isn’t that great a nickname but the way he flipped it is legendary. During the 1828 presidential campaign detractors called Jackson a jackass (which considering the Indian Removal Act and his opposition to abolition is actually pretty tame) but instead of being insulted, he embraced the label and started using the image of a donkey on his campaign posters. Almost 200 years later the Democratic Party is still using it as a logo.
#3) William Jefferson Clinton
“Bubba”, “Slick Willie”, “The Comeback Kid”, “The First Black President”, “The Big Dog”
Clinton’s problematic sexual history makes this a bit less fun but hey, we got through slavers and warmongers, we’ll get through Clinton. At first glance “Slick Willie” was my favorite of his nicknames but as it turns out it was often used in conjunction with his tendency for sexual misconduct so that takes a little of the shine off. Luckily he still has a full bag of monikers and they’re pretty excellent too. Since he was such a southern charmer he got “Bubba”, a common nickname for men in the south, which gives a wonderful blue collar tint to the very un-blue collar job. “The Comeback Kid” is an all-time election based nickname; after an early polling slump in 1992 (due in part to allegations of infidelity…dammit Bubba) Clinton finished second in the New Hampshire primary which gave him crucial momentum going into the Super Tuesday primaries where he became the front-runner.
Clinton got “The Big Dog” due to his post-presidential popularity, would have been cool if he used some of that in the 2000 election to help out Gore and his lockbox but hindsight is 20/20 I guess. “The First Black President” is his most interesting and misunderstood nickname, usually in the American social context when a white person is said to be acting black it is because of their affinity for black culture or adjusting their vocal style and word choice to sound more “black”, but with Clinton it was almost the opposite. Rather than referring to his language or behavior, Toni Morrison wrote about how Clinton “displays almost every trope of blackness: single-parent household, born poor, working-class, saxophone-playing, McDonald’s-and-junk-food-loving boy from Arkansas.”1 Not many presidents have such a sociologically profound nickname, add that to his already strong mix and you’ve got yourself a place on the Mount Rushmore of presidential nicknames.
#2) Martin Van Buren
“The American Talleyrand”, “The Careful Dutchman”, “The Enchanter”, “The Great Manager”, “The Master Spirit”, “Martin Van Ruin”, “Matty Van”, “The Mistletoe Politician”, “Old Kinderhook”, “OK”, “Red Fox of Kinderhook”, “The Little Magician”
Who would have thought Martin Van Buren would have more aliases than Desus and Mero combined? The first president born after the United States declared independence was a founder of the Democratic Party, governor of New York, US secretary of state, vice president, and president and in his lengthy time in public service he collected enough nicknames to overpower pretty much any more who came before or after. In the spirit of our friends from the Bronx I’ll let Martin Van Buren take us through his podcast akas:
That’s right, it’s ya boy Martin Van Buren aka Matty Van aka Martin Van Ruin cuz I will ruin any Whig who steps to me aka The American Talleyrand the tricker the sticker the realpolitiker aka The Careful Dutchman that’s right my first language was Dutch which mean I can and will roll a fatty and use the Constitution as my blunt wrap aka The Enchanter aka The Little Magician I may be 5’6’’ but don’t blink because I say abracadabra and poof, that bill is passed and your girl is with me now aka The Mistletoe Politician yeah that’s right I grew with Jackson but I can’t hear all you haters from my desk at the White House aka The Great Manager aka The Master Spirit aka Red Fox of Kinderhook yes the carpet matches the drapes aka Old Kinderhook don’t tell me something not ok you little shit I AM OK [bomb drop sound effect]
One name I will elaborate on quickly is Old Kinderhook since it is part of the etymology of the ubiquitous linguistic chameleon “okay” (fun fact: it can be used as an adjective, adverb, noun, verb, or exclamation). In the 1830s people used to misspell words for fun since there was nothing else to do really and ‘orl korrekt’ was a common misspelling of ‘all correct’. When Van Buren was up for reelection in 1840 he was facing William Henry Harrison who was sweeping the nation with his Top 40 hit “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too”, to try and build some enthusiasm for the incumbent Van Buren’s supporters started “OK” clubs to signify that Old Kinderhook was all correct. It didn’t really work since he got beat by William “General Mum” Harrison but it helped popularize the use of ‘OK’ as an expression of satisfaction that would later bring great fame and fortune to rapper and producer Lil Jon.
#1) Abraham Lincoln
“The Ancient One”, “The Great Emancipator”, “The Liberator”, “Honest Abe”, “The Rail-Splitter”, “The Tycoon”, “Uncle Abe”
It’s only fitting that the don dada of US Presidents has the best stable of nicknames. You’ve got the folksy origin story nickname in “Honest Abe”and “The Railsplitter”; the former he was first called when he was a store clerk in Illinois and would chase down customers to give them the correct change and the later due to his years of manual labor during his frontier childhood. Going along with those you have the folksy old-timer nickname in “Uncle Abe” which plays to his kindly nature.
Then you have the nicknames he got due to his administrative excellence, “The Tycoon” for his aggressive and effective leadership during the Civil War and the timeless “The Ancient One” for his unflinching wisdom.
And then, of course, you have his abolition nicknames: “The Liberator” and perhaps the single greatest presidential nickname, “The Great Emancipator”. Lincoln’s history with slavery is long and complex; far from being a fervent abolitionist, Lincoln wavered on what political action should be taken regarding even if he was morally opposed to the institution of slavery. But when it came to the showdown he abolished slavery and saved the Union and for that he deserves every micron of his magnificent nicknames. I’ll let Paul Beatty take us out:
“…I ventured from the hotel and joined the hajj of blue-jeaned yokels that paraded slowly and patriotically past the empire’s historic landmarks. I stared in awe at the Lincoln Memorial. If Honest Abe had come to life and somehow managed to lift his bony twenty-three-foot, four-inch frame from his throne, what would he say? What would he do? Would he break-dance? Would he pitch pennies against the curbside? Would he read the paper and see that the Union he saved was now a dysfunctional plutocracy, that the people he freed were now slaves to rhythm, rap, and predatory lending, and that today his skills set would be better suited to the basketball court than the White House? There he could catch the rock on the break, pull up for a bearded three-pointer, hold the pose and talk shit as the ball popped the net. The Great Emancipator, you can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him.”2
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1Clinton as the First Black President” by Toni Morrison, New Yorker, October 1998 (http://ontology.buffalo.edu/smith/clinton/morrison.html)
2“The Sellout” by Paul Beatty, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2017, pp. 4
Slam Zuckert is a municipal bureaucrat. He sees a lot of movies and reads a lot of books and sometimes writes about them. His favorite movie is There Will Be Blood, his favorite mathematician is Georg Cantor, and his least favorite mathematician is Leopold Kronecker.
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