The year is 2020, violent crime is an all time low and all major organized crime syndicates have been beheaded and smashed into smithereens, so Batman has decided to turn his focus on the new biggest problem facing the people of Gotham – arcane zoning laws that prevent affordable, multi-family homes from being in large swaths of Gotham City.
Standing in his way are Chester and Holly Collins, better known as The Zoners. A vicious and highly litigious husband and wife team who will stop at nothing to maintain the status quo and prevent multi-family homes from being built in their neighborhood. They are the leaders of a wiley group of “concerned” citizens who go by the name of North Gotham Parents Association (NGPA) and meet every other Tuesday at their house to plot their dastardly deeds.
Batman decides to confront them at a public meeting rather than risk being outnumbered and outgunned at their NGPA meeting. There is a community forum with the Gotham City Council on a Wednesday night and Batman signs up for public comment. After a few people speak on other issues Batman steps up in full bat regalia and gives an impassioned plea for more lenient zoning laws. The crown politely applauds. Up next to speak are Chester and Holly Collins, they start with a cheery introduction then turn directly to Batman:
“We understand that some citizens who live nowhere near North Gotham want to allow for massive apartment buildings to be built in our neighborhood that would clog up the air space, pollute the neighborhood, and completely ruin the atmosphere we’ve worked years to help build. To one in particular, we say: if you’re so concerned about the lack of housing, why don’t you have your friend Bruce Wayne develop some of his 1000 acres of land instead of trying to jam these developments down our throats? We ran the numbers and if Mr. Wayne decided to develop just half of his land, he would be able to house nearly 40,000 people on the property. That would certainly take a dent out of Gotham’s affordable housing crisis, no? So while we appreciate you coming out tonight to share your thoughts Mr. Batman, unless you plan to practice what you preach please fly away to your cave and don’t come back.”
The crowd roars with approval and Batman slinks out of the meeting in shame. The Zoners will be a tougher enemy than he thought.
The next week Batman decides to flex some of his political muscle and schedules a meeting with North Gotham’s City Councilor, Mark Feldman. He arrives to the meeting with stacks of papers and plans about potential projects for North Gotham but Mark has bad news for him:
“Listen Batman, I see what you’re saying, I really do, but almost every voter in my district is against this project and I was voted into office to protect their interests. I could vote yes on this project but it would take years to get off the ground and in the meantime I would get the boot in the next election and someone running on a strict anti-development platform would be in my seat. I think if we really work with them we can get some three-family houses approved which would be a step in the right direction. What do you say?”
Batman storms off in a huff. He has no time to waste on three-family buildings, Gotham needs more density! Luckily there’s a rally on behalf of affordable housing that afternoon and he was able to get a speaking spot.
After a few activists and politicians from South Gotham speak, Batman takes the podium and delivers a rousing address in favor of affordable housing. He promised to get his friend Bruce Wayne to donate money to the cause and help push for more affordable housing. The crowd politely applauds. As he walks off stage he is met by three children with well-coiffed blonde hair and matching sweater vests who are flanked by news cameras. “Mr. Batman! Mr. Batman!” One of them calls. He turns around and before he can even get a word in one of the kids starts reading off a piece of paper he’s holding:
“Hello Mr. Batman. After hearing your speech today I just have a few questions I would like to ask you. Number one, you have been lobbying for high-rise apartment buildings to be built in my neighborhood, North Gotham, and I just want to ask if you knew that when high-rise apartment buildings are built, the crime rate of an area generally goes up. I thought your job was to fight crime. If so then why would you want to bring more crime to my neighborhood? I thought Batman was supposed to make Gotham more safe but to me it sounds like you want to make my neighborhood more dangerous.”
“Hey kid I–”
“Second, the last time high-rise buildings were built in a neighborhood in Gotham the local schools were overcrowded because the Gotham Public Schools weren’t able to build any more schools for five years. This means that if the apartments are built my school will likely get overcrowded and the teachers, who we love very much, may even go on strike because the classrooms will have too many kids in them for an appropriate educational experience. In closing, it sounds to me like you want to make North Gotham more dangerous and to make our schools worse. Why do you want to do that Mr. Batman?”
Camera lights flash and all the newsmen shout questions at Batman, he is left speechless and stands there mouth agape as the kids walk away. Who could have given these young children so many dog whistles to blow in their speech? It must be, no, The Zoners! Through the news reporters Batman sees the children walk into the arms of their parents Chester and Holly…Using their children as pawns in their diabolical plots, he was truly facing a vicious foe. Batman eventually manages to stammer a few cliché lines about the need for affordable housing but trust me, it did not translate well to camera especially after the 20-second pause.
Batman decides that if the city won’t hear him out, maybe the state will. He talks to his connections at the state house and is told that for all things housing the man he needs to talk to is State Senator Gregory Wilson who represents Gotham’s affluent suburbs. He calls State Senator Wilson’s office and is told that he is busy for the foreseeable future, however…when someone donates over $5,000 to the State Senator’s personal PAC he likes to thank them in person over lunch so do with that information what he likes. Batman begrudgingly cuts a check to the State Senator’s PAC and immediately gets a call back asking if he’s free for lunch the next day.
Over cold cuts and potato salad Batman speaks with State Senator Wilson about possible state laws to override local control for the purpose of building affordable housing. The State Senator tells him that he understands where he’s coming from however local zoning control has been the bedrock of Gotham City and its suburbs and if he allows for the state to take control over Gotham he would also have to allow the state to take control over the suburbs he represents which he cannot abide by.
“Surely you understand Mr. Batman, after all, I know your friend Mr. Wayne takes full advantage over the local control he has over Wayne Manor. He won’t let anyone build anything within a mile of the main house and don’t even get me started about the underground rights. We’ve been trying to expand fiber optic and sewage lines below Wayne Manor but Mr. Wayne won’t let anyone even come on to the property to survey the land and take soil samples for possible underground piping.”
Batman thanks him for his time and leaves the diner. When he gets home he sees someone has leaked news of his meeting with State Senator Wilson to the press and it’s all over social media. The activists he has been working with won’t even respond to his texts because of his donation to State Senator Wilson’s PAC and news trucks are lined up outside Wayne Manor shouting questions about mass transit lines that have been proposed to skirt along the edges of Wayne Manor. “The Zoners strike again”, he thinks, “those goddamn media-savvy bastards.”
The final vote on the zoning change proposal is the next night. Batman waits in the hallways hoping to get one last word in to the City Counselors before they vote. As one walks by he reaches out and is brushed off but at the very same moment The Zoners somehow appear in the hallway. “Leave him alone!” Chester shrieks, pushing his way towards Batman and the Councilor. “What is he doing!?” Holly yells. Chester wedges himself in between Batman and the City Councilor and when Batman lightly nudges him aside, Chester flies across the hallway and crashes into a push-cart, flipping over and making a huge scene. “Batman assaulted my husband! Batman assaulted my husband! I have it on video!” Holly screams. “Police! Police!”
Two hours later Batman sits in a holding cell while the police take Chester and Holly’s statements. They collect the video and as much as they would to let him off, Chester has a broken clavicle and the video is pretty damning. The judge agrees on $2,500 cash bail and Batman has the money wired over. Outside he is greeted by a massive protest led by The Zoners. They are giving an impassioned speech about how the criminal justice system preys on the poor and lets the rich, like Batman, roam free. People hold signs saying “No Bat Is Above The Law” and “Cash Bail Is Immunity For The Rich”. Batman pulls his cape around his face and walks past the crowd. The Zoners cannot be stopped.
Six months later Batman has served his 200 hours of community service and has not left the house in two months except for those Saturdays picking up trash by the highway. Commissioner Gordon hears about his sorry state and comes up with an idea to get Batman back out in the world. Batman’s phone rings.
“Hello”
“Batman, it’s Commissioner Gordon, we have an emergency.”
“Why didn’t you use the signal?”
“I did, it’s been up for three hours, have you looked outside recently?”
“Oh, umm, no I was, umm, in the Batcave.”
“Batman we need you, the Gotham City Transit Authority workers have gone on strike and someone has been stealing all the working rail signal lights and replacing them with old burned out bulbs. No one is around to replace the light bulbs Batman, the trains can’t run!”
“You need me to…replace old light bulbs?
“Yes! Someone is swapping out the working ones, it’s chaos!”
Batman looks around, he knows it’s a pity assignment but it’s been a while since he’s been out of the house and at least he’ll be helping Gotham again. He brushes the chip crumbs off his lap and stands up.
“Okay, I’ll meet you on the roof like usual.”
“Hurry Batman! The trains are delayed 20 minutes and the people of Gotham need you!”
“I’m on my way.”
Find out what happens next week on…Batman is a Scab!
Slam Zuckert is a municipal bureaucrat. He sees a lot of movies and reads a lot of books and sometimes writes about them. His favorite movie is There Will Be Blood, his favorite mathematician is Georg Cantor, and his least favorite mathematician is Leopold Kronecker.
Keep it Going Louder 