With the Marvel Cinematic Universe dominating the 2010s and grossing over $22 Billion dollars worldwide combined it’s clear that expansive cinematic universes will be in high demand for the 2020s. I think the ludicrous Cats film offers an exciting opportunity for a new film series to excite, and unite, this nation. The following is my proposal for Phase One, the first seven films of the Cats Cinematic Universe.
Cats – A tribe of feral cats in the 1930s gather for the Jellicle Ball and compete through song and dance to see who their leader, Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench), will choose to ascend to the Heaviside Layer. Macavity (Idris Elba) tries to rig the completion in his favor by imprisoning his competitors but his plot is foiled. Old Deuteronomy chooses the one who sings “Memory”.
Old Deuteronomy: The First Cat – We are taken back to Old Deuteronomy’s youth in 1902. There is a serial catnapper afoot and when a young Asparagus the Theatre Cat (Harry Styles) is taken, Young Deuteronomy (Billie Eilish) hunts the catnapper down and saves Asparagus the Theatre Cat by winning an elaborate song and dance battle. A group of cats celebrate her victory and the Jellicle Cats are formed with her as leader.
Cats 2: Purrple Rain – The cats gather again for their annual Jellicle Ball but before they can begin Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson), the one who sings “Memory”, returns from the Heaviside Layer to warn everyone that Macavity has found a way to open a side portal into the Heaviside Layer and is going to unleash his army of smarmy cats if they don’t stop him. Old Deuteronomy has to decide whether to let everyone ascend in order to stop him. She’s hesitant but the cats sing a song to convince her and she eventually agrees. They face off with Macavity in a big song and dance battle and when Old Deuteronomy collapses from exhaustion Rum Tum Tugger (Jason Derulo) and Grizabella take up the lead and the Jellicle Cats defeat Macavity. They prevent him and his smarmy army from destroying the Heaviside Layer but Macavity is able to escape and on his way out steals a mysterious Jellicle Crystal from the Heaviside Layer.
Rum Tum: The Tugger – After their big battle with Macavity, Rum Tum Tugger decides to set off on his own. He sells the Jellicle crystal his father gave him to a mysterious cat in exchange for a boat ride to Los Angeles where he falls in with a group of tough cats who live a life of petty crime, digging up flower beds and stealing food from various picnics and outdoor eateries. Everything is going well until Rum Tum Tugger learns that the group’s leader Mabavity (Vin Diesel) is planning an attack on the cats of LA so that his group can reign supreme. He betrays his new friends to stop Mcbavity (who is, get this, Macavity’s cousin!) and in the climactic dance battle wrestles Mabavity onto a cargo ship going north where they both are stranded at the end of the film.
Skimbleshanks: Fur From Home – Skimbleshanks (Ty Dolla $ign) continues his work on the railroads but when a prank by Mungojerrie (Drake) and Rumpleteazer (Kesha) goes wrong he’s forced to fix the London subway system before Monday morning. As he tap dances his way through the city he finds that Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer’s prank wasn’t a random accident, Macavity was behind it all along! Skimbleshanks doesn’t trust Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer so he enlists the help of Mr. Mistoffelees (Bruno Mars) and through a combination of dance, song, and magic they are able to repair the Tube just in time for rush hour…however as they work a shadowy cat sneaks into Mr. Mistoffelees’s house and takes his Jellicle crystal.
Rum Tum 2: Winter’s Tugger – Rum Tum Tugger and Mabavity find themselves in Alaska just as the last ship of the season departs. Rum Tum Tugger sets off on his own and finds another tribe of cats who have their own ball where the winner is sent off on a lynx (Ed Sheeran) down to the continental United States. He convinced the cats to let him enter the contest and through his unprecedented sex appeal he dominates the competition, impregnates every female cat in the tribe (this is show on screen), and sets off south. At the city limits he runs into Mabavity who pleads with him to let him join. Rum Tum Tugger thinks about it for a second then laughs, spits in Mabavity’s face, and rides off into the sunset. Mabavity freezes to death in the Alaska winter.
Cats 3: More Than a Feline – Macavity learns about the death of his cousin and swears to take revenge on Rum Tum Tugger and the Jellicle cats. He steals the remaining Jellicle Crystal from the Jennyanydots (Rebel Wilson) and now that he has all four he is able to turn back time and save his cousin Mabavity who he then brings to 1902 London where they set off to prevent the Jellicle Cats from ever forming. Back in the 1930s, after Old Deuteronomy’s passing in the Battle for the Heaviside Layer, Grizabella is now in charge of the Jellicle Ball. Panic sets in when one by one the cats start to vanish into thin air, Mr. Mistoffelees finds his Jellicle Crystal missing and realizes what must have happened. Rum Tum Tugger returns just in time and through the power of Mr. Mistoffelees’s magic and feline dance the Jellicle Cats are able to also travel back in time and confront Macavity and Mabavity. There’s a big song and dance battle where everyone sings and dances with a younger version of themselves and young Grizabella (Quvenzhané Wallis) wins it once and for all with a Christopher Nolan-style “Memory” reprise about the future memories that her past self is able to access and the implications of how engaging with future memories might impact her present mind which could change her future which could prevent those memories from happening in the first place. Macavity and Mabavity are defeated and banished to Russia where they both freeze to death in the Siberian winter.
If anyone knows Tom Hooper or any of the fine people at Universal Pictures please let them know I’ve very open to sharing “Story by” credits and my gross points demand are very reasonable.
Slam Zuckert is a municipal bureaucrat. He sees a lot of movies and reads a lot of books and sometimes writes about them. His favorite movie is There Will Be Blood, his favorite mathematician is Georg Cantor, and his least favorite mathematician is Leopold Kronecker.
Keep it Going Louder 