Chadwick Boseman Goes Camping

A Short Play

Act One

Scene 1

A clearing in the forest. Night.

JACKIE ROBINSON (as played by Chadwick Boseman) sits on a log next to a campfire burning bright. He handles a fallen tree branch, picking off small pieces and tossing them into the fire. JAMES BROWN (as played by Chadwick Boseman) and THURGOOD MARSHALL (as played by Chadwick Boseman) enter with light jackets and hiking backpacks on.

Robinson Boseman

About time y’all got here.

Brown Boseman

Well someone had to use the restroom seven times on our drive up.

Marshall Boseman

We will not be relitigating this right here James and you know it was two and not seven.

Brown Boseman

Two, seven, I don’t see a big difference. You had to pee and we had to stop.

Marshall Boseman

If I recall correctly it was you who suggested we have those large soda pops at the diner.

Brown Boseman

Well I was just fine, I guess Mr. Supreme Court doesn’t have a supreme bladder.

Marshall Boseman

In time James, in time I’ll–

Robinson Boseman

Okay, okay, enough you two. Put your stuff down and grab a seat. Let’s just relax this is supposed to be a nice weekend.

 

JAMES BROWN BOSEMAN and THURGOOD MARSHALL BOSEMAN grumble as they put down their backpacks, take off their jackets and sit by the fire.

 

Brown Boseman

Who told you about this spot Jackie?

Robinson Boseman

One of my old teammates. He said his family used to come up here every fall and it was delightful.

Marshall Boseman

One of your old teammates?

Robinson Boseman

That is correct your honor.

Marshall Boseman

Which one?

Robinson Boseman

One of the good ones, don’t worry.

Marshall Boseman

Okay, just checking.

Brown Boseman

You bring a record player?

Robinson Boseman

No I did not.

Brown Boseman

Well okay then.

 

They sit in silence for a few seconds and enjoy the fire. Then suddenly, they hear a rustling in the woods nearby.

 

Brown Boseman

You hear that?

Robinson Boseman

Shhhh

Brown Boseman

You hear that?!

Robinson Boseman

Shhhhhhhhhhhh

Marshall Boseman

Jackie…

 

The rustling gets louder. They all fumble around for something to swing at whatever is coming for them.

 

Marshall Boseman

Jackie I–

 

Suddenly, FLOYD LITTLE (as played by Chadwick Boseman) burst into the clearing. 

 

Little Boseman

And what, I say WHAT is going on here?!

Robinson Boseman

Dammit…

Brown Boseman

Floyd…

Little Boseman

So you three are having a little boys weekend out here in the woods and didn’t think to invite old Floyd Little huh?

Brown Boseman

Floyd…

Little Boseman

Oh cut that “Floyd” shit out James, what is this? The leading roles club? You guys too high on your own horse to invite a supporting role like me?

Marshall Boseman

Floyd, you know it’s not like that.

Little Boseman

Oh really Thurgood, then what is it like? Please explain to me.

Marshall Boseman

It’s just…it’s just…

Little Boseman

That’s right, I thought so. Even Mr. Supreme Court can’t come up with a reasonable excuse.

Brown Boseman

[Laughing] I called him that too! Now make fun of his bladder.

Robinson Boseman

James, quit it. Floyd, you’re here now, so why don’t you just sit down and join us. I have the chocolate and marshmallows here somewhere.

Little Boseman

That’s a good idea I think I will.

Robinson Boseman

We were planning on staying out here for a few nights, did you bring a sleeping bag?

Little Boseman

No I did not.

Robinson Bosman

Any change of clothes? It gets cold at night once we put the fire out.

Little Boseman

Ummmm…no.

Brown Boseman

Food? A Tent? Paper to wipe your ass with?

Little Boseman

That is beside the point! I came here to express anger!

Marshall Boseman

And we all agree you are doing a very good job of that, isn’t that right?

Brown Boseman

Yup.

Robinson Boseman

Yes sir.

Little Boseman

Well thank you. But I’m still mad.

Marshall Boseman

Sure you are, and that’s okay. But we came out here for a quiet weekend so let’s just sit back and enjoy now that you’re here.

Little Boseman

Okay okay, but just a heads up…I thought this was going to go differently so I invited some friends to back me up.

Robinson Boseman

Like who?

Little Boseman

Umm…

Marshall Boseman

Floyd…

Little Boseman

No it’s okay, you’ll like them.

Brown Boseman

Them?

Little Boseman

Freddie! Willie! Y’all can come on out now.

 

FREDERICK DOUGLASS (as played by Chadwick Boseman) and W.E.B. DuBois (as played by Chadwick Boseman) stumble out into the clearing. 

 

DuBois Boseman

Finally, we’ve been in there long enough.

Douglass Boseman

Oh shut up William.

DuBois Boseman

I’ve got dirt all over me.

Douglass Boseman

[under his breath] Soft…

DuBois Boseman

Excuse me?

Douglass Boseman

I said you’re acting soft!

DuBois Boseman

Well excuse me! I–

Robinson Boseman

Why don’t you two just come join us.

 

Douglass Boseman and DuBois Boseman shrug and grab a seat next to Little Boseman. They all nod “hello” to each other.

 

Brown Boseman

Is that it?

Little Boseman

What?

Marshall Boseman

Did you bring any more people with you?

 

Little Boseman looks towards the ground and kicks a little dirt. 

 

Robinson Brown

Floyd?

Little Boseman

Yeah?

Robinson Boseman

Why don’t you just have them all come out and we’ll figure it out from there.

Little Boseman

Are you sure?

Brown Boseman

No!

Marshall Boseman

Might as well.

Little Boseman

Okay…[to the forest] Come on out guys! They got us!

 

STOKELY CARMICHAEL (as played by Chadwick Boseman) and JOHN BROWN (as played by Chadwick Boseman) enter the clearing. 

 

John Brown Boseman

[To Carmichael Boseman]…and then he arrived in a boat and said, “John why did you want us to get old man David Harper’s boat?” And I said, “No you idiot, not that Harper’s Ferry!”

They both crack up laughing.

Carmichael Boseman

John you scoundrel!

Little Boseman

John, Stokley, thanks for coming.

Carmichael Boseman

Thanks for having us Floyd, you know John and I love a good stake out.

James Brown Boseman

[Pointing at John Brown Boseman] Who’s that?

Carmichael Boseman

You don’t know? It’s the treasonous, malfeasance, Kansas-bleeding, Ferry-raiding John Brown!

James Brown Boseman

But, but…that Brown ain’t even brown!

John Brown Boseman

Chadwick has range.

 

Everyone nods in agreement.

 

Robinson Boseman

I think we still have enough seats, neither of your brought sleeping bags by chance did you?

Carmichael Boseman

Nope.

Robinson Boseman

Damn, well we might have enough blankets let me look…

Another rustle.

Marshall Boseman

Who’s there? Identify yourself!

 

SOJOURNER TRUTH (as played by Chadwick Boseman) enters with a lantern in her hand.

 

Truth Boseman

Well isn’t this a sausage fest.

Little Boseman

What did you expect?

Truth Boseman

I guess, I guess. S’mores?

Robinson Boseman

Yeah we got s’mores.

Truth Boseman

I guess I can abide then. Thurgood, scoot over.

Marshall Boseman

I’m almost off the edge already!

Truth Boseman

Thurgood I said scoot over.

Marshall Boseman

Yes ma’am.

 

Marshall Boseman scoots over until half his body if off the bench and Truth Boseman sits next to him. In the distance we here a van screech to a halt and then “Sirius” by the Alan Parsons Project slowly begin to build. 

 

Robinson Boseman

God dammit Floyd.

Little Boseman

Sorry…

 

A voice booms over a megaphone coming from the van.

 

Announcer

A seven-two center from Melboune, Australia…Luc Longley!

 

LUC LONGLEY (as played by Chadwick Boseman) jogs into the clearing.

 

Longley Boseman

What’s up mates?

Everyone

Hey.

Robinson Boseman

Do we have to do this whole thing?

Little Boseman

Yeah, they get really mad if we cut if off midway through.

Announcer

A six-eleven forward from Split, Croatia…Toni Kukoč!

 

TONI KUKOC (as played by Chadwick Boseman) jogs into the clearing. 

 

Kukoc Boseman

Pozdrav svima.

Truth Boseman

Kako si Toni?

Kukoc Boseman

Vrlo dobra gospođice Truth. Hvala vam.

James Brown Boseman

Any way to speed it up?

Little Boseman

Nope, best to just sit back and try to enjoy it.

James Brown Boseman

You asshole.

Announcer

A six-seven forward from Southeastern Oklahoma State University…Dennis – the Wooooooooorm – Rooooooooooooodmaaan!

 

DENNIS RODMAN (as played by Chadwick Boseman) jogs into the clearing. 

 

Rodman Boseman

Fun party Floyd!

Little Boseman

Thanks Dennis.

Announcer

A six-eight forward from the University of Central Arkansas…Scoooottieeeee Pippennnnnnnnnn!

 

SCOTTIE PIPPEN (as played by Chadwick Boseman) jogs into the clearing. 

 

Pippen Boseman

Thanks for the invite Floyd!

Little Boseman

Yeah yeah yeah, you’re welcome you’re welcome.

Announcer

And standing at six-six, shooting guard from the University of North Carolina…Michaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel Jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooordaaaaaaaaaaaan!

 

MICHAEL JORDAN (as played by Chadwick Boseman) jogs into the clearing. 

 

Little Boseman

Hey Mike.

Jordan Boseman

Whole lotta dudes, huh Floyd?

Truth Boseman

Ain’t I a woman?

 

Blackout

FIN

Slam Zuckert is a municipal bureaucrat. He sees a lot of movies and reads a lot of books and sometimes writes about them. His favorite movie is There Will Be Blood, his favorite mathematician is Georg Cantor, and his least favorite mathematician is Leopold Kronecker.