All of the new releases I saw in 2016 ranked in order from most best to least best:
1. Moonlight
There was a boy living though Miami’s brutality
Growing up, discovering his sexuality
Finding love where he can
From his past he then ran
Rediscovering himself in a diner’s hospitality
2. Son of Saul
There was a Sonderkommando in Auschwitz
Looking for a Rabbi to say Kadish
For he finds his son’s body
Makes a run from the Nazis
11 Million slaughtered there is no God
3. La La Land
There was a guy and a gal in L.A.
Who met among music one day
They sing and they dance
They give love a chance
But to reach their dreams they must separate
4. Mustang
There were five orphaned sisters living by the sea
Raised by a strict Uncle who keeps a tight leash
He locks them inside
Through each other’s love they survive
The smaller the cage the more they fight to be free
5. Swiss Army Man
A man at the end of his rope
Befriends a farting corpse who helps him to cope
They journey through the wild
His inner self partially reconciled
Was it all his imagination? Nope!
6. Hell or High Water
Two brothers robbing banks by their home
Trying to pay back a predatory loan
That was put on their mom’s place
It’s Jeff Bridges last case!
Chris Pine has dazzling eyes of blue-chrome
7. Kicks
There once was a boy from the Bay
Wanted more than anything a fresh pair of J’s
Gets jumped for his shoes
Has nothing left to lose
To get them back what price will he pay?
8. The Lobster
In a world where monogamous love is mandatory
Come find love in a singles dormitory
You only have 45 days
More if you tranquilize runaways
If you fail you get turned into an animal
9. Eye in the Sky
Terrorists meet in a house, drone visual is lost
A kill mission now, surveillance options they exhaust
Through London and DC
Nevada and Nairobi
The terror threat eliminated, but at what cost?
10. Krisha
A mom estranged from her family and son
Invited back for thanksgiving, says she’s clean as a nun
Dysfunction all around
The turkey falls to the ground
For Krisha, it’s back to square one
11. Loving
Two souls in love despite all they face
Their marriage illegal because of their race
The judge says jail or DC
So northward they flee
A very appropriately named Supreme Court case
12. Midnight Special
A boy with powers unknown
Smuggled from a cult that he used to call home
With his mom and dad on the lam
The feds after his clan
Now with light beings in future world is where he’ll roam
13. Manchester by the Sea
There once was a Boston handyman
Dealing with his past demons however he can
His brother dies suddenly
To his nephew he gets custody
Can he handle returning to the town from where he once ran?
14. Embrace of the Serpent
Two scientists, exploring the Amazon blind
Guided by a shaman, the last of his kind
Searching for a sacred plant
Luxuries are scant
A journey to open your mind
15. Everybody Want’s Some!!
Freshman year on the baseball team
The parties and girls feel like a dream
Feeling confused and dazed
And a little bit hazed
A first week that would make anyone beam
16. Zootopia
A rabbit wants to enforce the law
The other animals they hem and they haw
But when trouble arrives
And they need the town to survive
Teamwork is what saves them all
17. The Birth of a Nation
A man enslaved hears a calling from the good lord
That to free himself and others they must take to the sword
So he makes a plan to rebel
Gives some slave-owners hell
Public execution is his final reward
18. Hail, Caesar!
Hollywood in a simpler time
Where being a commie was a treasonous crime
Watching Channing go!
Can the Cowboy act in a show?
The fixer can go suck a lime
19. 10 Cloverfield Lane
A woman wakes up underground
Should she trust this stranger and stay down?
She wavers back and forth
A vat of acid is fed a corpse
Holy shit, aliens, run now
20. Moana
There was a girl who longed for the sea
But was forbid to leave by her dad, he’s the chief
They sing and dance with a song
Eventually she sails along
And rejuvenates her community
21. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
There once was a tragic pop star
Whose successes and flops he rides like a racecar
He forgets his roots
Is reminded of their good attributes
And Donkey Rolls his way back from afar
22. Keanu
Key and Peele lose their cat
And go on an adventure to get it back
There’s drugs and guns
And dangers, there’s tons
Eventually everything works out I think
23. Anomalisa
A puppet at a Cincinnati hotel
Giving a speech on how to serve well
He finds him a date
They proceed to mate
His life is no longer hell
24. Fences
A father and son, relationship a tight grip
Tensions flare over a football scholarship
1950s in Pittsburgh
Everyone struggling to be heard
A fence is built as a family rips
25. Jackie
A woman thrust into a public life
Happens to be the president’s wife
Next to him when he’s shot
Post-traumatic stress there’s a lot
A funeral planned amidst strife
26. Arrival
An alien spaceship arrives
Humans wondering if we’ll survive
Send in Amy Adams to think
Translate their circle ink
Flash back or forwards, you decide
27. Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Ricky Baker gets a new home
Two parents he can call his own
But when mom tragically passes
He sets off to the brush like molasses
And gets into kooky adventures to roam
28. Weiner
A congressman set to be a firebrand
Instead tweets a pic of his underpants
Decided to run for mayor of NYC
Humiliates his wife, Huma Abedin
Why he keeps doing this no one understands
29. Tickled
A Kiwi report working on a hunch
Discovers an underground tickling bunch
Traveling all over to find
Who in the hell is behind
All this tickling that packs quite a punch
30. Fireworks Wednesday
Marital troubles for everyone to discuss
On fireworks wednesday in Iran, so joyous
They banter and bicker
And nothing gets solved quicker
Turns out people in Iran are just like us
31. Maggie’s Plan
Greta Gerwig wants to give birth
So she enlists a pickle-man to donate his mirth
Then she meets a new man
Nothing goes according to plan
Everything works out, for what it’s worth
32. The Boy
A job where something seems amiss
Babysitting a doll who she begins to dis
The house starts to get freaky
The doll comes to live meekly
A man-child bursts through the wall demanding a kiss
33. The VVitch
A family the village must expel
From their new england village quite unwell
A lost baby has them distressed
The goat gets possessed
Time to join the witches and lead all their spells
34. Ghostbusters
A female remake of a classic
The internet decided to go bombastic
But ghosts still need to be busted
And NYC’s fate entrusted
A fun film I say enthusiastic
35. Hello, My Name is Doris
Doris has a three-quarters life crisis indeed
A hoarder with a job she won’t concede
Then a handsome co-worker appears
And brings her much cheer
Sometimes to move on is what we really all need
36. Don’t Think Twice
An improv group on the edge
Of the acceptable age-limit ledge
When one member succeeds
Everyone re-evaluates their needs
A bet on their future they hedge
37. Barbershop: The Next Cut
A family business fights to stay alive
Through tough times on Chicago’s South Side
But through working together
They try to make the community better
We have more in common that anything to divide
38. Captain America: Civil War
Marvel back at it again
Another cash grab with all of our friends
Sure it was fun
Big battles someone won
Really when will it all end?
39. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
To steal the Death Star plans
Much deception is at hand
Before the Empire sees
That they’re under siege
For those at the base, a last stand
40. Doctor Strange
Oh great, another marvel movie to view
This time with shapeshifters and world movers for you
Blah blah blah blah blah
Ha ha ha ha ha
Do do do do do do do
41. The Handmaiden
Two Koreans out to con a Japanese heiress who’s very rich
But the plan leaves them all in a stitch
When the handmaiden and the heiress fall in love
Everyone double-crossing those above
In the end love prevails with a hitch
42. The Revenant
There once was a brave man out west
Hunting for furs is what he does best
A bear attack is no party
Left for dead by tom hardy
He gets revenge and thus ends his quest
43. Morris from America
There once was a boy from the states
Moves to Germany, his social life is not great
The local kids aren’t too nice
He gets his heart broken twice
Him and his dad bond before it’s too late
44. Now You See Me: The Second Act
The magic friends are back at it again
But other magic people do not act like friends
They travels across the seas
Doing magic stuff to deceive
And they come out on top at the end
45. Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising
If you like the first Neighbors, here’s the movie for you
Because they’re basically the same, Neighbors 1 and Neighborhoods 2
This time they’re female
But still giving hell
To the old people who live next door and somehow don’t move
46. High Rise
A futuristic apartment complex set to be utopic
And at first the problems seem microscopic
But things break as they do
Class warfare ensues
The architect lives up above, his planning myopic
47. Little Men
Two boys become friends in NYC
But their families at odds over a lease
That was set years ago
But the dad wants rent to grow
Setting a wedge forever in between
48. Star Trek Beyond
There once was a man up in space
Saving planets and people, it’s no race
But then some conflicts arise
It threatens everyone’s demise
But the day is saved because that’s always the case
49. The Jungle Book
This remake was kind of not needed
CGI animals feeling retreated
The songs were not a total bore
The plot was the same as before
That’s $12 of which I’ve been bleeded
50. God’s Not Dead 2
A propaganda film not even made well
Where people use religion to buy and sell
Christians under siege
By the evil ACLU and their league
All you non-believing heathens will burn in hell
Slam Zuckert is a municipal bureaucrat. He sees a lot of movies and reads a lot of books and sometimes writes about them. His favorite movie is There Will Be Blood, his favorite mathematician is Georg Cantor, and his least favorite mathematician is Leopold Kronecker.
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