All of the new releases I saw in 2015 ranked in order from most best to least best:
1. Inherent Vice
Doc, can you help me?
Beware of the Golden Fang!
Doc, Seriously
2. Selma
King on the Big Screen
As voting rights are gutted
Good ol’ U.S.A.
3. Mad Max: Fury Road
We gotta get out!
Phew, done. What should we do now?
We gotta go back!
4. Wild Tales
Revenge is a dish
Served however you might like
Don’t mess with the bride
5. Sicario
Drugs, drugs, everywhere
Who really is in control?
Us hopefully, right?
6. Chi-raq
A Spike Retelling
Twenty-Four centuries old
Some hubbub ensues
7. Jafar Panahi’s Taxi
Iran bans Jafar
Makes a movie anyway
Ha, take that Iran
8. Inside Out
Profound emotions
Without sadness, no happy
Feelings got feelings
9. Cartel Land
When law’s not enforced
The people decide to rise
And outcomes vary
10. Peace Officer
To protect and serve
Who is really protected
Senseless death, senseless
11. Ex Machina
Dude! Sexy Robots!
Think, are they human or nah?
Damn sexy robot.
12. The Gift
Don’t be a mean guy
It might not come back to you
But maybe it will
13. The Hateful Eight
Western in a room
Guess how many people die?
A hint: so many
14. The Martian
Damon stuck on mars!
Come on guys, let’s go get him.
Hope he’s still alive
15. Tangerine
Tricking on Christmas
Young and aimless in Cali
Survive with friendship
16. Finders Keepers
Custody battle
Over a man’s severed leg
Goes more than leg deep
17. Straight Outta Compton
Dre worth a billion
Cube, Eazy, got their shine too
Yella? Wren? Who cares
18. Dope
In over their heads
They go on an adventure
Drugs! Money! College!
19. Mistress America
To be young and white
Wait, she’s not even that young!
I guess she’s just white
20. The Overnight
Time for a play date!
An adult play date you say?
Look at that anus
21. Do I Sound Gay?
Self-Conscious speaker
Tries to solve all his problems
Voice as metaphor
22. Meet the Patels
Dating can be hard
Harder when only Patels
Tradition is hard
23. Creed
Fight for what you love
Even if you love fighting
Then it’s a fight fight
24. Theeb
Theeb is way too young
For this kind of adventure
Oh well, too late now
25. Spotlight
Digging up a crime
Of child abuse in the church
What would Jesus do?
26. The Big Short
Capitalism
What did you really expect?
This keeps happening
27. Tomorrowland
Jet packs and space clocks
Brad Bird got carried away
Save earth, idiots
28. The Man from U.N.C.L.E.
Yankee and Rooskie
A sexy robot Brit too
They solve crime I think
29. While We’re Young
Old try to be hip
Hipsters trying to act old
Everyone loses
30. Trainwreck
Commitment bad. Bad!
Well, maybe it’s not that bad
Find the right person
31. Red Army
Miracle on Ice!
The Russians were not happy.
This was big to them
32. Best of Enemies
Political talk
Buckley and Vidal butt heads
Downhill ever since
33. About Elly
What a nice beach house
Has anyone seen Elly?
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
34. What We Do in the Shadows
It’s a frat for bats
Vampires are people too, right?
Un-dead have feelings
35. Star Wars: The Force Awakens
We gotta find Luke
Also let’s blow up this thing
All are related
36. Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation
All of these missions
Have been super possible
Because they get done
37. A Most Violent Year
Business is business
Sometimes someone’s ass gets beat
and often much more
38. Leviathan
Russia is corrupt
A man just wants his land back
Pass the vodka please
39. Room
Trapped in a small room
Physically and mentally
Then just mentally
40. Black Panthers: Vanguards of the Revolution
Coming together
Scares the U.S. government
When it’s black people
41. The Hunting Ground
College Campuses
Are quite unmotivated
To preventing rape
42. The Wolfpack
Boys kept in house
Make movies to pass the time
The props are mad good
43. Maze Runner: Scorched Trails
No mazes this time
Just crazy steam-punk pirates
I wanted a maze
44. The Good Dinosaur
Tiny dinosaur
Proves worthy to family
Has a human pet
45. Sleeping with Other People
Platonic friendship
Can be difficult to some
Oh they’re dating now
46. Bridge of Spies
Russians love Tom Hanks
Okay, maybe it’s not love
But damn, they respect
47. Digging for Fire
Dig all you want bro
It won’t help fix your marriage
Uh, whose bones are those?
48. Steve Jobs
Perfection is key
Except with my family
What good are they for?
49. Antman
The size of an ant
The brain of a human male
Effective but dumb
50. Spectre
Oh there’s the villain’s base
Let me just walk in unarmed
Somehow it works out
51. Irrational Man
Can I kill a man
And have it still be moral?
I guess we’ll find out
52. Kumiko, Treasure Hunter
When life is boring
You might have to chase a dream
Even if it’s cold
53. White God
Dogs, dogs, everywhere
If only we had loved them
They both bite and bark
54. The Green Inferno
An Amazon tribe
Cannibals in the forest
Hope they don’t eat us
55. Most Likely to Succeed
School is old fashioned
Bells are for obedience
Kids learn by doing
56. Black Mass
One Whitey Bulger
Was very bad, pure evil
He worked for the feds
57. Love and Mercy
The beach boys were stars
Brian went a little mad
Pet Sounds is fire
58. Furious 7
Car go fast zoom zoom
Explosions make car big boom
R.I.P. to Paul
59. Avengers: Age of Ultron
Same as last movie
In pretty much every way
I was underwhelmed
60. American Sniper
Killing glorified
In the name of the US
Then PTSD
61. Entourage
All of our old friends
And rampant misogyny
Still better than Chef
Slam Zuckert is a municipal bureaucrat. He sees a lot of movies and reads a lot of books and sometimes writes about them. His favorite movie is There Will Be Blood, his favorite mathematician is Georg Cantor, and his least favorite mathematician is Leopold Kronecker.
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